eternal sunshine of the spotless mind: obsessive-compulsive disorder and the importance of listening

obsessive-compulsive disorder and the importance of listening

http://www.askmen.com/sports/health_60/86_mens_health.html

The obvious gender target of this website aside, OCD is more prevalent and definitely transcends gender more than you think it does.

Was talking to Pei Yin the other day about obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) during dinner. I've always had this urge to tell people more about the various types of mental illnesses, and I think that is because I feel that mental patients are a deeply misunderstood group of people. What would you do if you encounter a man who talks to himself while confined in a train carriage with him? What would you think about a woman who gets incredibly upset when she sees that rocks on the pavement are not arranged symmetrically? What would cross your mind when someone comes to you pleading for you to help him because he's dying when there's obviously nothing wrong with him.

Yes it does have something to do with me taking psychology as a major. Although I haven't had the privilege of going more indepth into topics in abnormal psychology (NUS doesn't have the talents to hold classes on this), the introductory course I took on it has made me more aware of the problems that many people may actually face and the social pressures that are preventing them from being open about these problems and seeking help. Frankly, even as I am here writing about how mental patients are often misunderstood as being lazy, irresponsible, inconsiderate or plain stupid, I myself often think in that same way when I too come across someone who seem to fall into that mold. Of course, not all who are lazy, irresponsible etc. are mentally ill - they may just simply be everything you see them as. But I guess sometimes you just have to look closer. Look deeper, listen more and observe. Sometimes, these people may be facing a problem of such magnitude that you cannot fathom, and are desperately looking for someone who will recognize their agony and help them.

In fact, it may not be mental illness at all, but just an individual desperately trying to cope with life's pressures. Whatever it is, learn to listen. Learn to listen to what these people have to say, and not simply wait for your turn to speak. Sometimes just listening can mean a great deal to them, and sometimes, even a simple gesture of concern like a pat on the hand or just by asking "how do you feel?" means a lot.

The recent suicide of Taiwanese comedian Ni Min Ran is just yet another long line of celebrities who have succumbed to depression. The irony of it all is that it has to take a death of a loved one to make people realize just how much absorbed they have been in their own world, just how they have failed to actively listen to the ones who needed help, and failed to show their love and concern for them.

A documentary that talked about classic beauty Lin Dai's suicide really had it pinned down. They interviewed a fellow actress of Lin, and she said something to the effect of this: "(Lin Dai)called me crying one night, and I said 'what's wrong?'. She said she had been bullied, but of course I said, 'who would dare bully you? You're a big star!'", and then she brushed off her complains as mere whims and hung up. Lin killed herself the next day. The most disturbing thing was that when that actress was being interviewed, she still seemed baffled as to why Lin Dai, such a big celebrity, would want to kill herself. It was really as if she had failed to understand that if she had just listened to Lin Dai and let her talk about her problems, she wouldn't have committed suicide at all.

A friend once asked me why I liked American Beauty so much. Well, of course there's a lot to talk about but there was also one part which I thought was the essence of the entire story: Lester was sitting with his daughter Jane's friend, Angela, after they nearly had sex towards the end. As they faced each other, Lester asked Angela how Jane was, how's her life, and whether she's happy or not? Angela told Lester that Jane was fine, and that she thinks she might be in love. Lester let go a relieved smiled, "good for her". Then, the question from Angela came, "how are you?"

Lester: God, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that... (long pause) I'm great.
Angela: I've gotta go to the bathroom. (stands up and leaves the room, leaving Lester alone)
Lester: (quietly to himself) I'm great.

Lester then holds up a picture of his family, and as he dies, he recalls the times where life was simple, love was great, and everyone was pure at heart and happy. Carolyn, his estranged wife who was all ready to shoot him with a gun, found her husband already dead before she got to him. After fearfully disposing off her own gun, she wailed and hugged the clothes that once belonged to her husband.

So, looking back at the dysfunctional families in the movie, you realise that this really was the crux of the problem. Everyone was just too caught up in their own lives, their own little world and emotions and their own selfishness, to think of others anymore. Everyone wanted to talk, everyone wanted to be heard, yet no one wanted to listen.

I'm not saying that I have achieved that selfless state of listening and caring for others. I, too, get caught up in my own sad little world and wallow in self-pity. But I'm learning. I've seen things in my life that have often reminded me of how many times it is too late to regret not telling or showing someone that you cared for them and that you want them well.

So, why not start today? Just look around and hear what others have to say.

10 comments:

Funn Lim said...: Good point. My job entails listening to others too, and I believe Pearl your course is also that?

But what if, just what if when you start listening to what others have to say, and you discover what they have to say is pure nonsense? To pretend to give full attention is hypocrasy, to not listen at all is arrogance.

As much as one should listen to what others have to say, it is also important to let others talk and we just shut up, whether we listen or not, I guess.; 4:47 PM
Anonymous said...: Well said, Pearl. I also think that mental patients are deeply misunderstood. The workings of the mind are simply too intricate and complex, ain't it?

Anyway, I just watched this film called "Mar Adentro" yesterday. Fantastic film! It will really move you to tears. Rent it if you can. :); 5:06 PM
Pearl said...: Of course, the decision whether or not to actively listen depends on what you make up of the situation. Well, even talk that seem nonsensical to us may actually mean something to the person who is sprouting it. It’s a subjective thing, isn’t it?

I’m sure u agree that the simple sense of being heard usually makes us feel good. So to a certain extent, whether or not the receiver is actively listening to us and processing what has been heard does seem to not matter too much. In fact, we would be extremely tired and bogged down if we indiscriminately listen actively to what everyone has to say.

Which was why I added that apart from listening, we probably have to look closer and observe. The contents that a person chooses to focus on may tell us something about the individual, and may even give us clues as to how we may wanna deal with that person, if u are ever gonna interact with him/her in future. Or on a more serious ground, nonsense may even point towards some defence mechanisms against other problems. Then again, it all depends ;) Observation of the person, the situation in which the communication takes place in, or the situation which the speaker is in, or considering your relationship with the speaker, could help us decide how we wanna approach what the person has to say.

I guess thinking that way makes dealing with nonsense a little easier as well ^o^

Ok, before I sound like some expert in communication – which I’m obviously not – I better stop here. Just some very personal thoughts…; 8:47 PM
Pearl said...: Now u've got me interested, Funn. What exactly is ur job? Or would u rather keep that confidential ;)?

By the way, Pei Yin, I watched Iris and gosh! I cried buckets towards the end!; 8:57 PM
Funn Lim said...: No secrets Pearl, everybody from Ebuzz days knows.

I am a lawyer, specifically family law lawyer, apart from many other fields I have to do. Imagine how much I have to listen to day in day out. First day I listened, I really did. But after so long, I am beginning to realise both sides may not be entirely truthful and yet very convinced they're right. You're right, most people just wants us to listen, which is why 90% of them starts to cry when they started to talk, or maybe they became very angry as they talk some more.

I remember I was chambering and I did prison visits and even prisoners wanted us to listen to their woes. I felt bad for not being able to help much, after all I am not a great lawyer truth be told, I am moderate and I like to play fair, hoping my reputation will stay intact as I retire many decades later...very difficult actually... Anyway after a while I simply stopped listening because I realised half the time I was naive to believe them but I still like to believe what I have been told are truths.

One very interesting incident during those prison visits, being very young we were full of righteousness. I remembered having to interview rapists, but luckily I didn't have to interview child rapists. One fellow student confessed she wanted to throw the chair at the child rapists she interviewed! I myself have the same feeling. Which is why I am not a criminal lawyer. And then I discover even criminal lawyers do not want to take family law cases!

Then I realise criminal lawyers are mostly numbed, they couldn't care less whether you're hanged or not. As for me, I have yet to really lose a custody battle since I have yet to do a real custody battle, I always try to settle things amicably, talk some sense into these senseless people. But I saw how wives cry when they can't see their child, fathers having to hand over their children. In a way family law is much more emotional, because it could happen to us. Unless you commit crime, you can't feel much empathy for criminals, whether guilty or not guilty.

I realise I am not that great a lawyer. I am still new, so I am extremely nervous in front of judges but I try to get my point across, which half the time isn't the case because the judges' themselves aren't listening at all or listens but having made a decision, they don't really listen. I always believe I will make a good judge, because I listen.

Maybe I am contradicting myself but i do listen, I do. Like when you're reading this, you're listening to what I have to say!! Mayeb you're right Pearl, sometimes people find comfort in the simplest pleasures and listening to others is one of the simplest gift one can give to another.

So Pearl, what do you plan to do after you graduate??; 1:08 AM
Pearl said...: Wow... a lawyer... I never knew that! Must have missed that out somewhere at EBuzz...

I'm still exploring my future path after graduation, as in whether I should go into counselling or be a mental health care professional.

What's certain now, however, is that I'd like to find a job at social service centres after I graduate, get exposed to work in the social service sector. I'm actually pretty keen in being a counsellor right now, but I want to get a taste of working in such a setting before deciding if I wanna get a professional degree in counselling.

So yah, I have learnt that one of the most important skills as a counsellor is active listening, which is in part a way of not only understanding the helpee but also to ensure that preconceived notions or biases of the situation does not cloud your, or the client's, perception of the problem. It's not easy, like as you said, you become unsure of whether or not you should trust what is being said, or you sometimes may have to deal with a client whose values are in complete opposition of yours.

So I think it takes not only training but also open-mindedness on the counsellor's part to be effective and not let the client's problems affect you. Which is something I'm still unsure if I'm capable of.; 10:03 AM
Funn Lim said...: I was reading a book called The Lost Boy, a true story by Dave Pelzer I think, a former very much abused kid. There were essays about social services and the role they play. I think you'll make a find social worker, but I think and I stand to be corrected that there is a pre conceived idea that social welfare officers aren't exactly highly paid? And you require the utmost of dedication?

You're doing psychology right? Ever thought of being perhaps a psychologist? Anyway what is the different between a psychiatrist and a psychologist anyway??? And a therapist??

Eh being a lawyer is not that glamarous. Unlike doctors whose patients practically salute the doctors for a job well done, lawyers are seen as vultures when frankly I am not the owner of the law firm I am working for, I don't get to pocket the fees..I have a fixed salary and it isn't exactly high either.; 1:59 AM
Pearl said...: A psychologist and a psychiatrist are the same in essense, the only differences being that psychiatrists have MD degrees plus specialized training in treating mental and behavioural problems.

A psychologist, in contrast, doesn't have an MD degree and may specialize in areas of psychology other than mental and behavioural problems (clinical psychologists, however, specializes in mental and behavioural cases as well). For example, education psychology, Indsutrial Organization etc. To be a psychologist, one must obtain at least a masters or a PhD.

So a psychiatrist's training typically focuses on mental and behavioural illness, and he has the authority to prescribe medicine and perform medical procedures. In fact, in Singapore, a psychiatrist must first complete a medical dagree before doing further studies in psychology.

According to my friend who is training to be an occupational therapist, the local mental institution consists of both psychologists and psychiatrists. The psychologists are the ones who do testings and diagnose the patient, while the psychiatrists are in charge of administering medical treatment.

A therapist is just a general term for a professional who helps someone through some form of therapeutic program.; 10:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Pearl,

It's always nice to talk to a fellow psych major! I completely agree with what you've said about the discrimination and society's view on mental illness. Some people that I've talk to show little symphathy for those suffering from mental illness. One girl even said that their condition is "made up" Frustrating. I think one reason is that it's difficult for people to understand something that they haven't thought about or been through before. Like the example with the lady who's bothered by the assymetrical rock. Most of us would have no problem with that while she could be experiencing tremendous anxiety.
But like you said, even if people can't comprehend they should at least try to keep an open mind and listen.
It's sad that not all who suffer from mental illness seek treatment due to society's view, for fear of being labeled "crazy."
Another thing, recently I saw in an interview that Tom Cruise was criticizing Brook Shields for seeking psychiatric treatment for post-partum depression, and saying how psychiatry doesn't work. Excuse me, Mr. Cruise. But you're no doctor.
Anyways, nice to meet you, Pearl.--tuttie; 2:48 PM
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eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

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obsessive-compulsive disorder and the importance of listening

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